Since the release of Liu Chan, i went to look back on the fanfictions i read involving him 'killing' Zhuge Liang with his 'innocence' and laughed my ass off coz i can totally picture it happening with Liu Chan's innocent face XD

From, DW5 Jeopardy

Liu Shan entered the room. "Hello! Minister-father, I came to watch your victory."

Zhuge Liang looked up in alarm. "Oh no… Someone restrain me before I shoot myself – why is that pathetic moron Liu Shan here? Isn't one lifetime enough? Must I endure his idiotic reign over my actions even in fanfiction?"

Sima Yi was delighted. "Why, if it isn't Liu Bei's glorious heir! Hello, Liu Shan. Welcome!"

"Hi there." Liu Shan beamed at him. "Sima Yi, isn't it? Your son was very nice to me. He gave me lots of pretty girls. All I had to do was let him wear the funny hat and give the orders, and I was given everything I wanted."

"Idiot!" muttered Zhuge Liang.

Liu Bei woke from his stupor. "Eh? What? Oh God – Liu Shan. What are you doing here?"

"Hi Pop!" Liu Shan waved.

"'Pop'? POP?" repeated Liu Bei. "You've been hanging around Sun Ce. Look, just go away, will you? I don't want to speak to you. Or think about you. I'm so ashamed…"

"Oh, now Liu Bei, what kind of father treats his son like that?" Cao Cao reproached him. "Ashamed of your own offspring? Why, he's the spitting image of you. You know, like father like son – you both were terrific at preserving the Han, hahahaaaaa!"

"Shut up!" Liu Bei burst into tears, then yelled at Zhuge Liang, "This is your fault! I told you! I told you, if my son proves incompetent, take the throne yourself. Why the hell didn't you?"

"At the time it seemed important to follow in your virtuous footsteps, my lord – usurping the throne would have been too much like Sima Yi." The Shu strategist looked hesitant as his gaze fixed on Liu Shan. "Of course, now that I look back on it…"

(flashback: Zhuge Liang before the throne and an assembly of ministers, summoned by Liu Shan)

The young Emperor was pleased to see his prime minister. "Minister-father," he said, "I called you here because I have some questions, and would like to hear whatever wisdom you may offer me."

"I'm glad you're finally showing some interest in learning," said Zhuge Liang. "Perhaps you would like to know how to be a good ruler? How to restore the Han? How to discern between good and corrupt ministers?"

The young Emperor shook his head. "No, I have people to take care of all that. My questions are much harder."

"What are your questions?" asked Zhuge Liang.

Liu Shan considered for a moment, then said, "Minister-father, why do I have squishy toes?"

"… … …. ….." Zhuge Liang stared at him.

There was a dead silence among the assembled ministers. Liu Shan waited expectantly. He licked his lips and leaned forward, eager for the answer.

"Um… uh… Your Imperial Highness," Zhuge Liang said eventually, "you don't exercise and you're overweight, so your toes are plump and soft like a child's. You don't need to ask questions like that in front of the entire assembly of your ministers. You really ought to consider more important issues, like—"

Liu Shan brightened. "Indeed! Like a child's, huh? Why, thank you for enlightening me!"

"… don't mention it," said Zhuge Liang.

"I have another question," said Liu Shan.

Zhuge Liang frowned. "All right, if it's anything like the last one perhaps we should save it until—"

"Minister-father," interrupted Liu Shan, his brow knit in perplexity, "why do girls make my thingy feel funny?"

Zhuge Liang rubbed his face with his sleeve - partially in frustration, partially to hide his face in humiliation at his emperor's idiocy. "Your Imperial Highness, I… I really think you ought to – ahem – save such questions for later, or address them to your concubines."

Liu Shan looked thoughtful. "You don't know the answer, minister-father? It must be a very difficult question."

"I'll tell you the answer later, all right?" said Zhuge Liang. "Your ministers don't need to hear it. Can we please discuss affairs of state?"

"Very well," agreed the young Emperor. "Minister-father, I hear you have an ugly wife."

"Sire, my wife is hardly an affair of state."

"No, but this has to do with my previous question. Someone told me things that…" The young Emperor blushed. "Well, I don't feel it would be quite polite to repeat them. Things about this going in there, and why my thingy feels funny… I've noticed it usually only feels funny around beautiful girls and dogs. Minister-father, does your thingy feel funny when you look at your wife, even though she's ugly? Do ugly things make your thingy feel funny?"

Zhuge Liang buried his face in his hands. "Good God, someone somewhere in Hell is laughing at me, I know it… probably Cao Cao. I would consign my soul to the netherworld if it would make you an ounce smarter, Sire. How in the name of all that is holy am I ever supposed to restore the Han?"

Liu Shan was puzzled. "About 'Han.' You and my other advisors often mention this 'Han.' Is it someone my father knew? Or is it a good kind of food? Or what? I feel a little out of the loop, not knowing."

"… I can't take much more of this."

"Minister-father, back to the squishy toes. You don't exercise either. Does that mean your toes are also squishy?"

"I… I really can't… deal with this level of stupidity. It surpasses my ability to make any use of it."

"Minister-father," persisted Liu Shan, "won't you at least explain the funny feeling in my thingy?"

"If I do, will you shut up and let us move on to state affairs?"

Liu Shan nodded eagerly. "Oh yes, I really want to know about this!"

"All right then," said Zhuge Liang. "You've seen dogs bred together, correct? You've seen male and female dogs mated to produce offspring?"

"You mean when the boy dog's thingy comes out and—"

"Very good, sire. You're an astute observer," interrupted the strategist. "All animals mate to produce children, and it also happens to be a generally pleasurable activity. Men and women mate, though not quite in the same way as dogs, but close enough – visit your concubines and you'll figure it out. The 'funny feeling' in your 'thingy' is an urge to mate. Since you're the emperor, you can have sex with essentially anyone you want, so now that you know that you can satisfy these urges you need never pester the court with them again. Now Sire, if we may move on…"

"But wait," said Liu Shan, "you said something that puzzles me. You said 'men and women' mate, but I get this funny feeling sometimes around dogs."

Zhuge Liang coughed. "Sire, that is an odd deviation and you should never give in to it and certainly never discuss it again."

"But didn't you say that since I'm the emperor, I can make my thingy feel good with anybody I want?"

Zhuge Liang sighed. "… Sire, all right, listen, emperors have had stranger fetishes… but you really shouldn't mention them before the court. If you want a dog, just ask one of your breeders for one."

"I wouldn't mind a dog, or the pretty girls," said Liu Shan, "but they aren't the thing that makes my thingy feel funny the most."

"I don't think I want to know what makes your thingy feel funny the most…" muttered Zhuge Liang. "But you can probably have it, if you order it brought to you. Now can we please get on with state affairs?"

Liu Shan was delighted. "Really? I can have it?"

Zhuge Liang sighed. "Probably, Sire."

"That's great!" declared the young Emperor happily. "'Cause the funny feeling was really strong that one time when I had a nightmare and had to come and wake you up, and you were in bed and only wearing—"

"Sire! Stop!" cried Zhuge Liang, horrified. "Don't say anymore!"

Liu Shan was puzzled. "But… minister-father… you just said that I could have—"

Zhuge Liang inched away from the throne, trying to put as much distance as was courteously possible between himself and the Emperor. "Just… never… ever… speak of this again. Look, I have to campaign. I have to get out of here, now, before I lose my mind. Send me to Wei with a hundred thousand soldiers. Thirty thousand. Three. I don't give a damn – just send me on another northern expedition, please. I've got to get out of here…"

Liu Shan looked disappointed. "All right. But before you go, explain to me what an 'edict' is. People keep telling me to issue them. I just nod and say take care of it to whoever is nearby, but I'm starting to worry because then they leave and these 'edict' things must just be piling up everywhere, waiting to be taken care of. Is it like money? Or something? Am I bankrupting the treasury?"

Zhuge Liang was disgusted at the Emperor's idiocy. He had brief, treacherous thoughts of defecting to Wei, and it took all his discipline to remind himself of the loyalty he had promised Liu Bei (it was, he decided on reflection, a really, really stupid life choice…) "Take care Sire… May you eat plenty of fresh vegetables and Heaven willing, they'll enrich the barren wasteland inside your skull with a few bits of brain matter. I'd rather work myself to death on a campaign than stay here… How I miss those halcyon days when my lord was alive!"

Liu Shan leaned forward. "You never did tell me what this 'Han' thing is… It has something to do with these mysterious 'edicts,' doesn't it?"

(end flashback)



OH YES, I CAN TOTALLY SEE IT HAPPENING.

* my S H A T T E R E D dreams_ 1:42 PM